Processing Grief During Lockdown
Processing grief completely differently (and overtly) in lockdown …
“After my dad had died, in 2019, I thought it was a blessing that my days remained so full. I split my time between studying, work, seeing my family and friends, and various hobbies. Looking back, it’s not that I think I found this easy, but I do think that by acting as normal I felt strong. Although I was sad, I equated my actions with being capable of coping. Did I know I was experiencing welcome distractions? It’s hard to say, since I’d never known grief of this nature before. I didn’t know what processing it looked like at all. Fast forward to my new life, where I have lived South of the river for around 6 months. This has been an intensely peaceful experience, of course not relaxing, but peaceful. Life has changed pace for so many of us. My days are stripped back to a skeleton of writing, reading, eating and sleeping. I am more aware of myself and my thought patterns than ever before. In my home I now speak openly about my dad's personality traits and I've often found him visiting me in sun- soaked dreams. Apparently this is common. I wake up feeling grateful that somewhere inside my brain is taking care of my memory of him. Grief has not been a taboo in other households I’ve lived in, and I am lucky to feel supported to a point where I can speak honestly. Yet, there is something different about grieving in the quiet.
“Just listening to yourself, giving yourself what you need, and verbalising your feelings are powerful acts of self care”
I am acutely aware that my experience with grief began pre- covid. The hospital visits would have taken on a very different guise, or not existed at all. The government restrictions are not something I can give personal insight into, and the patterns and rituals that surround losing a loved one are so helpful. I also have always felt that trying to give advice on loss is strangely impossible. I like to give insights and to help in any situation I can. However, I have found it so difficult to turn my personal experience with family death into any vaguely useful words before. If a conversation with friends turns to grief, I cannot find the words to say or the answers to questions.
I think this encapsulates my main takeaway from my experience with grief. We want it to make sense. We want practical tips. We want to know what’s happening and how long this feeling will last. Although there is a spectrum associated with the process of grieving, it’s not linear and there are no tick boxes. I know ‘time is a healer’ is not what you need to hear when you’re at week 1. Sometimes you feel guilty for feeling yourself, sometimes you feel you’re doing a person’s memory justice, yet sometimes you can’t work out why you feel completely incapable of moving. My peaceful experience with thinking about my dad these last few months has shown me that sitting with feelings and processing them is better for me than racing away and setting high standards. Losing someone seems unbelievable, to this day I have moments when I’m confused how my dad ever existed. Speaking aloud to those close to you is so healing and although they can’t understand perfectly, they do empathise. Just listening to yourself, giving yourself what you need, and verbalising your feelings are powerful acts of self care.”
If you need to speak to someone outside of your circle, Cruse Bereavement are a call away at: 0808 808 1677
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Thank you so much to the brilliant Jess for contributing this incredibly vulnerable piece. To see more from her you can find her on Instagram at @JWhithams.